Darrell's Refs v Refs Match Report
Monday 23 May 2011
In a game very much under supported, the game kicked off with what can only be described as a scene out of Shameless. This team being managed by Tom O Connor and Chris Moyles. The other team playing in green and white hoops managed by Danger Mouse and Stanley Accrington looked every inch the escaped inmates from a well known secure institution from up the road, with not a dirty bus window in sight.
From the off the game was competitive and well contested with no quarter given, nor none asked, at least for the first few minute before the wind dictated the pace. The match day referee was Tim Bee who revelled in his proudest refereeing appointment.
The game ebbed and flowed and first blood was drawn by Shameless as a disputed handball ended up with the offending player being sin binned for his actions, but the resultant free kick flew high and wide. Shameless edges into a 1-0 nil lead from a fluky shot which I was too far away to see it, Parity was restored when a mis-timed clearance flew into the goal off the knee from RAMPTON FC , the scorer then rejoiced in his celebration, but was then cajoled by the heartless fans watching as Smeegle.....My Precious, Max Branning, Silas the monk all horrible names totally uncalled for and totally against the RESPECT campaign................but funny.
Several other goals were scored resulting in a 3-1 deficit when Shameless turned up the heat by bringing on their secret weapon, Tom O Connor entered the fray in borrowed trainers, shirt and to be fair his own under-crackers, this surely cant be Gary Glitter came a gasp from a horrified women in the crowd.....Oh my god, I dont want chicken today she gasped!! .Unperturbed and focused Tom then proceeded to conduct the fight back but we were still down 3-1 at half time. The team talk was precise and very much out of the Churchill speechs book We will fight them on the beaches and Never in the field of human conflict but with the words useless, Y.E.L next season, And your on the CML next year put the lads heads up and we began the fight for parity again.
This obviously had the desired effect as we lapsed into a 5-1 deficit. The lads began to show there emotion and Smeegle was crudely hacked and assaulted and was injured for several minutes, Both physios were involved, one with a large tub of there, there, there cream and a bottle of Calpol. Shameless physio Des Brown performed a miracle by throwing two bottles of orange juice over him, but with a medical prognosis rarely used these days Get up you mardy Tw** had the desired effect Smeegle got up and ran the missing leg injury off. Des was received back in the technical area and asked what was in the bottles, Lucozade, Gatorade, Isotonic??. Dont know, but its a long walk back to the changing room to use the toilet, I couldnt be bothered..............................Err Sorry Smeegle, but the showers work!!!
Shameless pressed for the equaliser by the use of fresh legs and a cross from the right was misjudged by the Rampton Goalie who called for it and watched as he waved his arms in the air as it sailed into the back of the net 5-2, then another screaming shot made it 5-3, a fluke made it 5-4, Shameless swapped Goalies which made scoring another goal almost impossible, but Rampton scored with a hotly disputed free kick which hit 14 people on the way into the net. In typical manager style the ref was berated. We had conceded 5 goals due to poor play and fitness, but this last goal cost us the game and the ref should hang his head in shame!!!! But we scored again to make it a hard fought 6-6 on the day with the game over both teams shook each other warmly by the throat!!!
Penalties ensued with the shameless team beaten and intimidated by the Rampton team with Al Murray stroking home the winning penalty to seal the game for them, A celebration ensured with noises like a seal sanctuary, shouts like a battle zone all finished with a team photo which I can only describe as the bodies of Baywatch, faces of crime watch. The last time I had seen so many missing teeth was at a gypsy wedding.
Into the bar and a good spread afterwards to much Mickey taking and push starting Matt Pickers car which had developed a flat battery.
The names of the guilty who participated have been protected to save their integrity. Those not in attendance will be expected to donate to the worthy cause (s) at the Refs AGM coming soon to a club near you!!
Many thanks to Sandhurst FC for an excellent venue, with superb people and hospitality.
Thanks
Chris Moyles, John Candy, Fred Elliott, Omellette.
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